Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
