Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
