Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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