May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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