he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
