i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
