You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
