Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
