I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
