New low: just hacked my moms facebook
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
