do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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