I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
did you just send me my own nude
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
