I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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