i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
