I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
