I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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