That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
