Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
