Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
