He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Everything about him screamed your future.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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