You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize