hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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