No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
