how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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