she looked like the before picture.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
