I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
