I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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