i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
50% drunk capacity currently
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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