hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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