Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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