By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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