A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
