I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
