I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
