My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Found your dick twin last night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
His nipple licking is glorious
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