he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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