wanna go halves on a baby?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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