I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
