my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
