i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So apparently I’m into choking now
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
