I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
