I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
whose parrot is this?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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