i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize