Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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