I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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