The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
