Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
