i permit you to call me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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