ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
