took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
