Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
