so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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