I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
