I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
