you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
