I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
