im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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