Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
