4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
