I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
