ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize